Osiris
by domino.dice
Summary: Written for the Obscurely CLAMP fanfic Challenge. Gingetsu has to confess something, but he can't bring himself to say it. He has a dream that drives him to take severe action. It has something to do with Sue. Something that no one ever guessed. Shonen ai
1. Shadowed Days

Just a note for the critics...  
  
I know some people have been complaining about my writing. I use the names in the English manga. Ora. Ran. Sue. If you don't like that, TS, I guess, 'cuz that's how I do things. Secondly. One person was saying that Ran couldn't die because he was going to die in five years. What sage Shuu actually said was that Ran had AT MOST five years to live. This implies that he could die at any time in a five year period.  
  
Disclaimer: I really wish that I did own Clover, but sadly, I won't until I take over the world. Well, this is a funky little story I wrote in about four hours (I'm a slow typist) and I don't know if the Idea is any good, so you'll have to let me know. I just got it on a few minutes of inspiration. Well here it is, and it is dedicated to all you people out there who wonder what Gingetsu looks like under that visor.  
  
That is all.  
  
§§§§§§  
  
There is nothing that can make me think that what I did was right. I know it wasn't, and it will haunt me knowing that I can never redeem my mistake. On the other hand, there is nothing I can do about it anyway.  
  
This is the story of my mistake, and of everything that happened when I try to cope with what happened, and when I try to speak of it. It is my bane. I have tried to live my life, pretending that nothing happened, believe me. I have even moved on to another, though he is not the same. He's different, he's better. But I can't let myself forget what I have done, not until someone else knows, not until my story has been told.  
  
_ §§§ Tuesday §§§  
_  
Sue was dead. It pained me to know that, because... well, because of many reasons. Firstly, because she had fallen in love with Kazuhiko. She hardly got a chance to know what love was, not like I was any help, and her love had been returned. Kazuhiko had loved her, too. He had just realized this, and then she died. He had experienced loss before; Ora, too had died. Ora, who had loved Kazuhiko with all her heart.  
  
It was hard to see Kazuhiko in those first few days after Sue had died. He just kept losing, and he didn't know why, and he couldn't stop it. It made me sad to see him heartbroken like that, so I didn't. It made me feel like I was being insensitive, but I just could not bring myself to go see him.  
  
There was another reason why Sue's death hurt me, and it was related to what I did, and at this point, I still can't bring myself to say.  
  
I came home to find Ran watching the rain stream down the window in silky silver strands. Without looking at me, he asked me softly if I was going to go see Kazuhiko, and that I had gotten a message from him.  
  
'Ran, I'll see him, if you come with me.'  
  
Ran turned and looked at me, slight shock apparent in his eyes. It was different than my usual, "do you want to go outside?" but the case was different, here. This time I was giving him a reason to go outside. I didn't care about the rules just then. I was willing to take chances for Ran  
  
Ran calmed from his slight surprise, and went back to looking out the window. He shook his head and said that I should go without him. I was silent a moment before answering. I spoke quietly, even to my own ears.  
  
'Alright, I'll see Kazuhiko alone.'  
  
Ran turned around. He asked me quickly if I would wait. I saw worry in his eyes, those stormy blue eyes. He told me after a while of silence that I was worrying him. He told me that I shouldn't go out, and that he wanted me to stay with him. I walked up to him slowly, and looked down into his eyes.  
  
'I will. It's what you want. I'll stay.'  
  
I led Ran to the couch, as he was looking at me intently, and wasn't watching where he was going. I sat down and pulled him with me. He put his arm around my waist, and laid his head on my shoulder. He asked softly that I tell him what was wrong.  
  
'It's nothing.'  
  
It couldn't be nothing, he told me, because he could see how I was sad, and even more distant than usual.  
  
'I... can't say, yet. Not until...'  
  
Ran told me that he understood. He leaned gently on me, letting the subject fall. Even as I moved to hold him, I still thought about what needed to be said. It was a matter of trust, and of my own faith in myself. If I couldn't even bring myself to tell Ran... Let's just say that I didn't know how I was going to do this at all.  
  
Sue was right there when I decided to leave her to die, and she accepted it. That was the part that saddened me, at least of what I would have been willing to say. She knew that she had to let herself die, she knew that I would leave her there, and she knew that I would berate myself for it later. Still, she stood there. Even if I had offered, she would not have come, but the point was that I didn't. To me that was the worst part; that I didn't even find the courtesy to give her the option.  
  
Even as I though of this, other thoughts came and contradicted them. Why didn't I even bother to try and get her to come with me? Because she wouldn't have, anyway. Why didn't I give her the option? Because I knew that she didn't have any. And it just went on like that, over and over and I couldn't get myself over it.  
  
Was I that incapable of emotion? Was I really the way everyone pictured me as? Did I not even have enough feelings in me to know what happened, and why Sue did what she did?  
  
Why did she do what she did?  
  
Ran hugged me tightly, and told me not to think about what worried me, before falling softly to sleep. He was so not like me, yet he had fallen for me. I could see it in the way he smiled at me, and could feel it in the way he held me. He was so full of feeling, and had a sensitiveness about him. Yet I, as I know people have thought of me as being, was cold and oblivious to the deeper things around me.  
  
Is that why I couldn't tell anyone what I had done? Because their faith in me would waver if they knew that I could be swayed by emotion?  
  
_§§§ Wednesday §§§_  
  
It just would not go away. It kept coming back to me, and it wouldn't leave me alone. I had to tell someone, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. Not one person in the world knew but me, and there was pressure that I had put on myself to tell someone and that, somehow, would fix everything.  
  
Oh, yes, the pressure was great.  
  
I had done nothing to stop Sue's death. In fact, it was mostly my fault that she did die. I simply left her, as Fairy Park fell down around our ears. I had left her to die, and I did it without looking back.  
  
Until now. Why had I left her? I could have saved her just as I did Kazuhiko, and things would have been much different. Sue was likely the only other person in the world who knew, though she pretended not to.  
  
I hated the Council, for the decisions they made, for trying to kill Kazuhiko, and for succeeding in killing Sue. Whatever kick they got out of this, I hopped that it was a kick in the ass. I would have done it myself, but if I did, Ran probably would be taken away, and I wanted to keep Ran with me.  
  
I contacted Kazuhiko that afternoon. He said that he would probably be able to come and see me the next day, instead of me going to him. He said that Ran would miss me, and he said it with a slight smile.  
  
I admired him. With what he went through, he could still smile, even though it was at something he said, anyway. I doubted I would have been able to do that. In fact, I knew that I wouldn't have.  
  
Dark thoughts plagued me through the day. The memories of the past, of what I had done, of leaving Sue there... no one knew what she was to me. To the others, I was just a side player in nearly all of what went on with Sue. They were wrong. In fact, without me, Sue would never have left the cage... Sue would never have even...  
  
I still couldn't say, though I would try to. I would try, even though I hated it all.  
  
_§§§ During the night §§§_  
  
There was Sue. Before me again, and again she looked at me with sad acceptance. Just like that day when Fairy Park became no more. She smiled. She was content, and she was warm and loved... and she was finished. She knew that what had happened was her end, and she was okay with that.  
  
She looked so happy, as she stood and looked up at the statue in the center of Fairy Park in my dream. Ora stood under the statue, watching Sue with a smile.  
  
Sue looked up at me and said how she knew who I was... Who I was to her, what I meant to her, and she thanked me. She told me that she loved Fairy Park so much, and now she could be there all she wanted, and, looking at Ora, said how she was glad she could be there with someone who didn't care about her powers.  
  
She looked up at me again, and told me she knew that I didn't care about her powers, either, and she asked me if I liked it there... if I would like to stay there...  
  
_§§§ Thursday §§§  
_  
I awoke with the sun just starting to rise. I grabbed my visor from the bed stand, and looked out at the sun. The first rising sun that could be seen in over three weeks.  
  
I did like it in Fairy Park. As I had seen it, it was a bright place, and there was no rain  
  
Fairy Park...  
  
The craziest idea entered my mind, and I didn't know if I was entirely awake, because I thought that it was a good idea.  
  
I would go to Fairy Park. Not the ruined steel, and burned piers. The Fairy Park of my dreams. Sue had seemed so at peace, and I was so troubled. It was my fault Sue was there, and at the time I made the decision, she accepted it, but with sorrow. In the dream, she accepted it gladly. She truly loved Fairy Park, and was glad to be there again.  
  
And I would follow her, accepting at first with sorrow, but then with gratitude at having made it there.  
  
It was a terrible thing to do, but I wouldn't care anymore once I was there. I was tired of making perfect decisions that would make sure the most people benefited from. I took up a tazer. It would be the fastest way to get there.  
  
It was then, only then when I had the weapon at my head, that I realized something... Ran. Ran wasn't there, and if he wasn't then I wouldn't find what I was looking for there. It struck me hard what I was about to do.  
  
Ran cried out from behind me. What was he doing?  
  
Ran grabbed the tazer from me, or rather, he tried to. What was he doing!?  
  
The weapon's grip was lost to both of us, and it crashed to the table... and misfired...  
  
The tazer fire lanced forward...  
  
I saw Ran fall...  
  
Oh, god, what have I done?  
  
'RAN!'  
  
I fell to Ran's side, and he looked up at me, as though it was his fault somehow, before all expression left him, and his eyes closed... the last time I would see those eyes...  
  
'No... no, no, no...'  
  
I held Ran close to me, feeling how relaxed he was, knowing that it wasn't because he was resting... feeling how I was trembling...  
  
What have I _done_?  
  
The front door opened, and I heard Kazuhiko call for me. I wouldn't come. I couldn't leave Ran... alone... like this...  
  
Oh, god, Ran... he was...  
  
Kazuhiko called me again, and walked into the room where I was with Ran. He dropped to Ran's side beside me, looking at me with wide eyes.  
  
I still looked at Ran, so still, so peaceful... but he was beyond me. He was gone, and it was my fault. I had... I h-had... No... oh, god, I had killed Ran...  
  
The edges of my vision blurred. My heart pounded, as though trying not to break. My head throbbed with the simple thought of Ran, even if he was smiling as I thought of him. The blur expanded, and everything swam around me. I felt myself falling, and though I knew it wasn't far, I couldn't keep myself from falling.  
  
There was something that came to me, something that forced away all my worries, and I fell into darkness. 


	2. Passed Destiny

_§§§ Saturday §§§_  
  
I woke up late in the afternoon. Blearily, I groped to find my visor, which was always at the stand beside my bed when I sleep. I found them, and slid them on before even fully waking.  
  
Deep dreams had troubled my sleep. Though I had slept for over two days, but I did not awake rested. Quite the opposite; I was more exhausted than I could ever remember being. It took several minutes before I recalled what had happened, both to Ran, and what I still couldn't bring myself to say. My headache was still throbbing through my temples and behind my eyes.  
  
Kazuhiko had put me to bed, and apparently he had gotten a couple of people he knew closely in the military to take Ran away.  
  
I hated it all. I had let that one thing screw up my entire life. It was because of that one thing that I tried to end it all, and it was because of that, that Ran died. It was my fault, in every way. I had committed the action that brought me to commit suicide, and its result was Ran who, while trying to stop me, got killed instead.  
  
I had killed Ran. Over the period of the rest of the day, Kazuhiko had told me several times that it was an accident. He had told the ones who took Ran that someone had came in, knocked me out, and shot Ran. Kazuhiko knew what had happened. He saw it coming, and it helped that Ran had told him that he suspected I was going to do something I would regret. He had told Kazuhiko after I had spoken to him over the communicator, after I had left the room.  
  
He lied for me. He didn't want anything more to happen to me. He really was a good man. Knocked out. Right. Even I could admit that I had passed out. I had killed the only person who could really know who I was. The only person who I would have been able to talk to about what happened, and I couldn't even keep from fainting. I had never fainted before. There was nothing terrible enough that happened suddenly enough to do so.  
  
Maybe it was emotion. Never had I felt emotions so strongly, emotions that were strong enough to eat away at my carefully maintained veil that hid all that I did not want others to see. The reason was that Ran was gone, and I had done it.  
  
The only person I had ever loved, and I killed him.  
  
Now I had two things that I had to accept and face. This was just getting harder, and it was I who was making it harder.  
  
I couldn't even live with keeping a careful secret. How could I live without Ran?  
  
_§§§ Sunday §§§_  
  
That night I got no sleep at all. There was just thoughts circling around. There were only a few, but they kept coming back, unanswered.  
  
Why did I wait so long? Why did it have to be Ran instead of me? Why didn't I tell Ran anything of how I felt? What could I have done differently?  
  
Everything. I could have done everything differently, but I didn't, and now everything was going to hell. I couldn't live without Ran. I couldn't live with the fact that he was gone, but I could die with that fact.  
  
I walked into the study... where Ran died. I would die in the very place he did. If I couldn't live without him, then I could die with him.  
  
The same dream that I had before I took up the tazer came to me in memory. I saw Ran was with Sue, beside her. I knew that he felt loved, and warm... and finished. I wanted more than anything to be at his side. He knew what I was to him... what I meant to him... and also what he meant to me.  
  
I found a knife, a dagger of sorts, really, that had been made with the sword that rarely left my side. The quickest way, the quickest way...  
  
The door banged open, and there stood Kazuhiko. He looked distressed, and looked on me with anger. Kazuhiko grabbed me and forced me to face him. The knife shook from my hands, and Kazuhiko rammed his heel onto the blade, preventing me from taking it from under his foot.  
  
'Gingetsu! What are you doing?'  
  
I could only manage to mumble a few vowel sounds, but I couldn't say any more than that.  
  
'Damn! Remember what happened the last time you tried it? It was in the last few days, so I don't know how you could have forgotten.'  
  
Kazuhiko spoke harshly, at first, before his features softened into an expression of despair.  
  
'It hurts like hell, it hurts me too, but this is not the way to go. I know what you're going through. I know. But, Gingetsu, it's really not worth it. I've been down this road. I'm the one that walked it first. I've lost, too, remember? Same as you. You lost Ran. I lost Ora. And Sue. I know it hurts, but don't resort to this.'  
  
My voice nearly broke as I explained how he didn't understand, that it was about more than Ran.  
  
'Then tell me. Please. I know what Ran meant to you. He was my friend, but he was your love. Don't leave me in the dark. I hate it when you do that, but you do it anyway. But, please, Gingetsu, this is your life. This is important, I care about you, and you can't leave me in the dark on this one. I don't want to lose you, too.'  
  
I said nothing over the next several minutes. Neither of us did, and I still couldn't look Kazuhiko in the eyes.  
  
'Gingetsu... Explain to me what I don't understand. Tell me, and make me understand. I want to help.'  
  
I shook my head.  
  
'Don't be an- oh, for god's sakes, Gingetsu! You were just about to kill yourself, and you won't even tell me why!? You need help, and trust me, I sure tried. If you don't even trust me anymore, who are you going to trust? Certainly not the Counsel, certainly not Azaiea! There is no one in this world that you can turn to, if not me. If you won't tell me, then obviously you don't trust me, and you can just go ahead.'  
  
Kazuhiko took his foot off of the knife, and I took it up once more, bringing it to my wrist. God, I hated it all...  
  
SMACK  
  
I dropped the knife and took several steps back. My right cheek stung. Kazuhiko had struck me. He looked at me in a pained sort of way, and I looked into his eyes for the first time since Sue died. I think that he could sense that our eyes met, because he moved forward and caught me in an embrace. He spoke over my shoulder, right into my ear.  
  
'God, you're so stupid... so stupid...'  
  
I pulled us apart, and held Kazuhiko at arms' length, though only half- heartedly. I raised a hand up from his shoulder, and brought it to my visor, carefully removing it, and looking Kazuhiko eye to eye for the first time that I could remember in a long time. It was the first time, I think, that I had looked anyone eye to eye since I joined the military. I could see his expression change when I dropped the visor on the floor, and crushed them with the heel of my boot.  
  
I looked at Kazuhiko, noting how much more real it was without the visor. It was real. I was seeing him as he was, not as the visor saw him. It saddened me even more when I knew that Ran had never seen me so. It was then that I realized why Kazuhiko looked at me the way he did; I felt the sting of tears, coming for the first time in my recollection.  
  
'Sorry I didn't do that sooner...'  
  
'You'll tell me?'  
  
'Kazuhiko, look at me. I know if you look hard enough, you'll know.'  
  
I saw him look over me intently, sadness still in his face.  
  
'You're eyes are evergreen... just like Sue's...'  
  
'...Yes.'  
  
' And your hair is silver... like hers. I never noticed that before- wait... Gingetsu... you're...'  
  
'Yes... I am the father that Sue never knew... and I'm sorry...'  
  
There. Now I said it.  
  
And still I hated it all.  
  
_§§§§§§§§§_


End file.
